I can’t believe I haven’t written a blog post about this before because it used to come up so often. The only reason it doesn’t come up as much is because I think I’m a bit more selective about the people I spend time with and I hope to ‘find my tribe’ a bit more nowadays. Of course, it’s a two-way street and people also make their own decisions whether to spend time with me as well and in some cases, it saddens me that we don’t connect as often as I’d like.
Anyway, tangent aside, what do I mean by ‘fixing’ or ‘rescuing’? I’m talking people whose first instinct is to attempt to ‘put things right’, give you advice and somehow ‘rescue’ you from your distress. Of course, we need some of these people in the world and the attempt is often good-hearted. However, what oftens comes next is something along the lines of “here’s what you should do”, which often suggests that the advice-giving person has a better idea of how to live your life than you do. It might be slightly different if the person would own what they say such as “here’s what I think you should do” but that’s pedantry on my part.
I freely admit at this point that I can get easily pissed off with fixers. Quite often it seems to be the case that listening stops when advice is given. Rather than fully, truly listening to the situation and untangling something together, it’s a bit like “let’s skip this bit and I’ll just do it for you”. I guess the reason that I get pissed off is I have a firm belief in people’s autonomy, in their ability to decide what they think is best and make their own decisions. That’s not to say I don’t get frustrated at the decisions of other people but I often remind myself that they’re not me and I don’t live their life which honours the frustration while ‘keeping it real’. That’s also not to say that people are islands – we all need others for support from time to time but there’s a massive difference between someone giving a different perspective which helps you to find your way towards solutions and totally giving over control of your life to someone else.
When faced with someone who struggles with decision-making (which from personal experience goes hand-in-hand with depression), it can seem all too easy to take control. The person may even say that’s what they want because it frees them from responsibility. Existential thinkers often talk about a fundamental anxiety of being human due to having the responsibility of what to do with your own life and also that every time you make a decision, there’s an element of loss, i.e. walking away from the road you didn’t take. On a temporary basis when someone is in severe distress and difficulty, a temporary ‘handing over the reins’ might be necessary while they recover or while it would be too taxing for the person. I read something about therapy the other day where the therapist suggested that a kind of dependence on them can easily happen with some clients and perhaps that can be therapeutic early on in therapy but not long term.
I’m well aware that a lot of my posts recently have been long in-depth readings into a lot of stuff but for this one, I’m going to leave it there with a bit of reflection: do you have the urge to ‘put things right’ for people? How does it generally go? What are the pros and cons? Have there been times where someone has taken your advice for better or worse?
Anyway, tangent aside, what do I mean by ‘fixing’ or ‘rescuing’? I’m talking people whose first instinct is to attempt to ‘put things right’, give you advice and somehow ‘rescue’ you from your distress. Of course, we need some of these people in the world and the attempt is often good-hearted. However, what oftens comes next is something along the lines of “here’s what you should do”, which often suggests that the advice-giving person has a better idea of how to live your life than you do. It might be slightly different if the person would own what they say such as “here’s what I think you should do” but that’s pedantry on my part.
I freely admit at this point that I can get easily pissed off with fixers. Quite often it seems to be the case that listening stops when advice is given. Rather than fully, truly listening to the situation and untangling something together, it’s a bit like “let’s skip this bit and I’ll just do it for you”. I guess the reason that I get pissed off is I have a firm belief in people’s autonomy, in their ability to decide what they think is best and make their own decisions. That’s not to say I don’t get frustrated at the decisions of other people but I often remind myself that they’re not me and I don’t live their life which honours the frustration while ‘keeping it real’. That’s also not to say that people are islands – we all need others for support from time to time but there’s a massive difference between someone giving a different perspective which helps you to find your way towards solutions and totally giving over control of your life to someone else.
When faced with someone who struggles with decision-making (which from personal experience goes hand-in-hand with depression), it can seem all too easy to take control. The person may even say that’s what they want because it frees them from responsibility. Existential thinkers often talk about a fundamental anxiety of being human due to having the responsibility of what to do with your own life and also that every time you make a decision, there’s an element of loss, i.e. walking away from the road you didn’t take. On a temporary basis when someone is in severe distress and difficulty, a temporary ‘handing over the reins’ might be necessary while they recover or while it would be too taxing for the person. I read something about therapy the other day where the therapist suggested that a kind of dependence on them can easily happen with some clients and perhaps that can be therapeutic early on in therapy but not long term.
I’m well aware that a lot of my posts recently have been long in-depth readings into a lot of stuff but for this one, I’m going to leave it there with a bit of reflection: do you have the urge to ‘put things right’ for people? How does it generally go? What are the pros and cons? Have there been times where someone has taken your advice for better or worse?